Hi love — happy one year 💫

My sweet Julia,

Happy one year to us!!!!!!!! Everything in life feels so much more real, and more eternal, since you agreed to be my best friend twelve months ago. It feels more like a 1st birthday, like nothing really existed the way things do now. I’ve never been the type to meticulously sort through what possibilities the future holds, but suddenly you came into my life and the possibilities of the future crystalized into a clear, beautiful, and scenic path for us to walk together.

I am so proud of everything we have accomplished and fought through together. Even though there is so much time and there are many challenges for us to take on, we have demonstrated the ability to grow together, speak each other’s languages more fluently, and reaffirm our love for each other at every opportunity. Our love just keeps rising to the occasion, and it gives me so much confidence that we are meant to be together.

We’re just about knee-deep in our toughest challenge yet, and it’s been hard on both of us, but I hope you feel the same way I do. My love hasn’t waned for an instant. My constant state of amazement at everything you do has only intensified. As fast as everything is changing, your love has made it feel so much more grounded and manageable. You’re the one thing that was true long before whatever is happening now and will be true even longer into the future.

I wish I could do more to support you, and sometimes I feel so helpless when I can’t even hold your hand or be a shoulder to lean on. Each of us being on our own journeys can feel lonely and painful. Sometimes I feel distant from what I am supposed to be doing, paralyzed by the pain of missing out on your life. I’m only able to push through it because I know that the day will come when I never have to miss anything ever again. I can’t wait for that day, when I get to be by your side through your best and worst moments. And in the meantime, I know that the second I see you in December everything in the world will feel right again.

Three more weeks in the warmth and bliss of our little pocket universe, where all that matters is you — a small, sweet taste of our future together. Some days the sensation of hugging you, kissing you, or holding your hand begins to feel fuzzy in my mind. But when I close my eyes, and clear my thoughts, I can perfectly recall the smallest curves of your body, the shape of every one of your fingers, the warmth of your chest and the cool of your thighs. Truly these are the best feelings in the world to me.

No matter how confusing or hectic things get, I can always take a deep breath and remember them like they are permanently laser etched into the deepest regions of my brain. That goes for everything about you, Julia. If we had better technology, I am sure that traces of you could be found in every single synapse of every single dendrite of every single neuron in my brain. I love you so much, baby. Whatever material humans are ultimately made of, your perfect form is written a thousand times over in that medium, endlessly being precisely reproduced with my every thought, each iteration as alive as I am.

I guess that’s what keeps me sane these days. I think it would be much harder to go on if you didn’t manage to impress every fiber of your being on my soul. My point is that I love you, Julia. I love you with as much intensity, clarity, and resolution as I do when you are by my side. That much will not change, aside from growing stronger and better resolved. I know the distance feels insurmountable, but I promise you it is not. You are with me everywhere I go, even if you don’t know it.

And it’s not something I decided, or you decided — it’s just the way it is. I was clearly programmed to have a perfectly Julia-shaped region in my memory, and you found me, and filled that space forever. Your presence feels so real to me, and I’m not even willing to say that materially you aren’t with me, because that just isn’t what I’m experiencing. Whatever part of my brain keeps spitting out the image of you or the sound of your voice when I am trying to focus on whatever the day presents me with, it is clearly the least plastic part of me. So, you are with me everywhere, every second of the day.

I hope you have that too a little bit and feel like I get to come with you on your adventures. I think I’d be less distraught about missing moments in your life if I knew that some version of me lived inside you and was along for the ride always. And I know I am so grateful that this version of you exists inside me. Until we are together again — until I am the me on your shoulder and you are the you on mine — that version of you will suffice. It’s infinitely better than having none of you with me.

I love you, Julia. I am so proud of you, and I know you are on the right course in your life to do the amazing things you were meant to, just one of which is being my partner. I love you. I am here for you, and I know that you are there for me also. Everything I do is in pursuit of a future with you, and nothing else really matters when the only future I want is the one with you. I cannot wait to embrace you again in less than two months.

You are so far past just being beautiful, kind, intelligent, wise, and loving. You are the center of my universe. It is hard to be on the periphery of my own world, but at the same time there is no world I’d rather live in. Until we are together again for good, I promise that I will not stop loving you and being as present as I possibly can be for everything that you do. My love is yours to keep forever, and I hope I get to have yours for just as long.

I don’t know how or when to end this letter. I don’t just feel like I could say this in a thousand different ways, but rather I feel like I must. It’s a good thing I have time to write you a thousand more letters. I can’t wait to tell you so many more times, forever, that I love you. Thank you for an amazing year, and for making me the luckiest person in the world.

Love,
Jake

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